It feels like the last 3 years was just pretend; building and destroying myself..trying to be…trying to find something else. I guess it’s time to get back to being me..the me that I’m comfortable with..the me I don’t need to worry about.

In this new chapter, I know it will definitely be tough before it gets easy, but this is what I want. I need to work hard, so when the time comes I can help those I want to help. I want to start this new chapter being happy.

When should you feel like you don’t mean anything? I guess someone should never feel like that lol. What I’m really asking is…how do you tell when you don’t mean anything to people…the people you care about. When should you be selfish and when should you not? Maybe I’m just not so lucky as to be surrounded by people that wants to do something to make me happy? Or maybe I’m just too selfish and expect too much? Right or wrong? I guess sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with right or wrong. Someone once said to me that there is always more than two option; I don’t know if he knew what he was saying, but I’ve never forgotten it when making decisions.

I don’t want you to do it, I want you to want to do it -

With a loved one…you never want to ask them to do something because you want it. Some things you will, but the more meaning it has the less you want to have to ask them to.

Like having choose between you…and another; you never want to tell them to choose you (other than feeling very selfish) even if it was the thing you wanted the most in the world because love will have lost all its’ meaning if you had to tell them that. It just wouldn’t be love anymore if you had to tell someone to love you. I think that is why love is so special, it’s like the yang side of a Ying Yang. As humans we are greedy creature, but when it comes with to love we can’t just get it when we want it. Love helps balance the Ying Yang; we want it, but we can’t ask for it. The good is that everyone wants it, the bad is that we can’t just go get it…the balance is that we have to play by the rules, be patient, and wait until it comes to us. Once a balance is there we finally receive it. When we don’t have to ask someone to receive something we want…that is when it is love.

It ain’t love if you gotta ask for it..

They were so innocent and so young.
But we, we were murderers who killed for fun.
They believed in true love and fairy tale,
But we turned their plains of green into the fires of hell.

 Their hearts were pure, yet so foolish.
What we gave were candy, so poisonous.
The rose presented was full of thorns.
Something of beauty, upon touch you’ll be torn. 

We were murderers to paint their hearts black.
We gave it lashes with our fake acts.
We gave it scars of different size.
We pretended it was for the best,
And we acted like we were so wise. 

We said this was for the best
We said they well never be happy
We said things that were true…
We said things but we lied
They believed us and they died 

Broken was our name, love was our game.
We were murderers… 

When we opened our eyes
It was a world full of darkness,
And gray was our skies.
The blood poor from our cold hearts
The bloods that use to be so red are now so dark.
It was full of our scars, full of our lies…
In the end, we were the murderers
All we could do was cry.

A Story with no real ending leaves you clinging on the longest

Intro

This is the intro just to let people know…to fill people in just a little. This is a little love story about a little silly boy in this big world, listen carefully and you’ll learn the story’s moral. This is his love story, he told it to me. The silly boy lived his life in simplicity but lonely, after meeting this girl he lived it heart breaking. So imagine, let’s say your partner, if you have one and if you don’t, the person you like a lot, maybe even love…just one day went away and you had the chance but never told them what your heart had to say. Sorry there is no ending but this is where his story begins.

It starts

The story starts when autumn was still around, when the leaves were still on the ground. It was the year 2002 and he was a silly boy at his new school. He was always shy and didn’t talk to anyone until he was talked to. He wanted to change to be someone new, to be someone known; you know, to be someone cool. Anyway, one day he met this girl online, he didn’t know it but dam, this girl was so fine. She had the big sexy hips, white peach face, with those red luscious lips. While online, she asked who this boy liked without knowing his name. He didn’t know anyone so he said no one then asked her the same. He was surprised she said the guy she likes was him. He thought maybe this was a game? He asked her why she liked him and she told him it was because he was special. He thought, “How could she say that to someone she didn’t even know?” She suddenly said, “I go to your school. Why do you always look so lonely and blue?” That’s where everything began.

 Months went passed and it went by fast. They started to talk like something might happen; she got tired of waiting and wanted it to end. She wrote to him saying, “Let’s just pretend…pretend it was just a dream and it didn’t begin. We didn’t meet, we’re not even friends.” That was it, the end of his story. Now his life was set, no more worries. Ha! Yeah right, the journey has just begun, so has the sorrow, pain, and the tears to come.

January 17, 2003 

It was January 17, 2003, her cousin came, grabbed his arm and said, “Come with me!” He was always so shy he never said hi so that was the day they really ever crossed path. Her cousin dragged him to her then she asked, “When are you going to ask her out?” He didn’t know what to say but the answer just popped out. He asked her right then and there without knowing what dating was about. They were each other’s first, just like two little love bird? I don’t think so, maybe in his dreams, they were more like players from the opposite teams. She wasn’t a bad girl friend, but she wasn’t the worst; it’s just…without knowing, everyday she’ll make it hurt, every night his tears would burst. He wasn’t sure how things should be since she was his first, but he was her shadow, nothing…no one and it hurt. She didn’t care for him one bit, she didn’t talk to him, look at him, or even walk with him…well, maybe in front of him, but that was it. He told about the day they were walking out the door, she stopped and said, “Let go of my hands…you don’t need to hold it anymore.” Just like every other day, he just pretend, smiled, and tried to hold the tears in. Also the day he waited forever when she snuck out of the restroom; waiting forever with school about to start, he saw her walking with her friend towards her classroom. When he saw her, he just pretend, smiled again, and walked passed looking the other way because he couldn’t hold it in. The hurt, the pain, this…for him, there was no words to explain. He didn’t know why all the friends said she really does like him and he didn’t know why he believed them. He thought he did everything right but things always turned out wrong, he was lost and wasn’t sure what was going on. He didn’t know what to do, so he blamed himself because he thought there was something everyone else saw that he couldn’t see he blamed himself because he was hurting, because he thought he shouldn’t be.

The ReasonHe always thought it had something to do with another guy, maybe she has been mistreated but one random day he found the reason why. He didn’t have a clue, he even had thoughts that maybe she likes someone else, but he didn’t begin to know the stuff she was going through. He had jumped into conclusions to what he thought was true, but they were just illusions to the things he thought when the truth he never knew. He didn’t know the reason why she had to make him so sad but that day her cousin told him a year ago, she lost the one she loved but never had. Before saying what was in her heart, he left her and her soul was torn apart. No, he didn’t just move to another state, he didn’t make her heart break, it was his fate. No, she’ll never see him again, even when she pretends. Her cousin told him, one day she walked for miles, as her cousins and friends followed; they followed and knew she just wanted to be happy, even if it was just for a little while. She was talking to his grave as if he was there, talking as if he could hear. She fell down to her knees and so did her tears. Listening all he could do was wish he could have been there. After everything it was like she’s been paralyzed and she was struggling to learn how to live life again. Just like the silly boy, she was the one who had to pretend. That’s all her cousin said and a million thoughts rushed to the boy’s head. After hearing her sad tale, he decided from now on he’ll make all her smiles real. Protect her smile from fading and ignoring the fact that without her love his heart was breaking. People always said the things like, “forget her, you’re only going to get hurt.” Even though he knew they were right, he didn’t care. Those were just the kind of things he didn’t want to hear. He knew she was cold and couldn’t love so he loved for the both of them, she was weak and couldn’t try so he tried for the both of them, and she was dry and couldn’t cry so he cried for the both of them. He wished he could have been there, to wipe away every tear.  

She would always hide how she feel and he would always wonder so much, the hurt could kill. He always thought he wasn’t the one she really wanted there since she never acted like she cares. Every tear that had to fall and since she acted didn’t want him at all…he wished it was him that died, so she wouldn’t have to cry. To him, he was just there because someone else couldn’t be…he thought, “of course he could see…he wasn’t special, he was just a fool that acted like he didn’t know.” Since he couldn’t even do anything to help, he felt the blame, so he acted like it there was no pain…

Conclusion

The moral of the story is, live with all your life and love with all your heart. Living in pain with a heart ache is better than dying in vain with a heart break. Everything is only once in this life time so take it before it’s too late. Live to the fullest but live with no regrets. Don’t know what living to the fullest is? It doesn’t really matter, to me; it just means live your life happily. Find happiness in something that won’t fade away, in something you don’t have to ask to stay. It’s never about what you don’t have, it’s about you have. You can never be happy with the things you don’t have but if you’re happy with the things you do have…you’ll always stay happy.

Also, never jump into conclusions when you don’t even know what’s true; yes, maybe in the end you might be the fool but at least you’ll know what was what and what was meant for you. People have their reasons for doing the things they do…you’ll never be able to understand unless you were in their shoes.

There is no such thing as, “It wasn’t meant to be.” Everything that happens was meant to be, that’s why it happened the way it did. Its okay if things don’t go as planned, which they never do, maybe god just has other plans for you.

Yes, her friend that died did indeed love her. He wrote letters that never got to her until he after died, leaving words that should have made her the happiest girl but instead she cried. This is the beginning of his story but I’ll end it here. Want to hear more? Get to know him and I’m sure he’ll share. Let’s just say the pain in the end was more than he could bear. When you find him alone and he thinks no one is watching… watch and you’ll see him tremble in fear. It’s from the heart aches, his memories, and the ending of his cold heart break. He lives like a fool, a meaningless soul, a clown putting on a show, pretending, and smiling so no one would know. I know he is just making everyone laugh at him so they won’t have time to see, put it together and you’ll know that the silly boy was me. This is my story.

——————————————————————————————————————————

“To trust you is like throwing my life away, you feel pain like no other, and you lost the most important thing. You end up losing yourself, forgetting everything that ever made you happy. You’re filled with sadness, so many emotions build up inside you and you don’t know what to do. Everything seems to be falling apart. But for your happiness I will cry, I will laugh with you, and I will fall apart with you and keep hoping you will see that I will try to be here for you…that I want to be with you.”

The feelings of losing someone to death, the feeling of loving someone that loved someone else, the feeling of being with someone who loved someone that couldn’t be there, not because they didn’t want too but because they can’t. Collecting all the broken pieces of that broken person, getting cut, bleeding, but knowing it’s not their fault because that is just how life is….sigh. Loving them so much, you didn’t care how much you bleed, as long as they are happy again, you’ll do anything – throw away your happiness so maybe they can smile again…and after everything, in the end it was just something stupid to do. How can you really be someone’s happiness when you’re not happy yourself? And here I thought I did everything right, but everything ended so wrong!

“The mess you made”

— I finally realized, I understood nothing at all in the end. If there was one thing I still don’t understand is why it still hurts…For some reason I believe it’ll always be nothing but a dream. It’s just a story..just a dam story… —

The End

—If after 2 and a half years they don’t love you, they’re never going to love you…

A bloody heart and a painted face
A world so cold, it only takes
Everyone is, even I’m fake.
The hurt leaves a pain
And the tears leave us drained.
Even though the tears fall,
We wear our mask to cover us,
It builds unseen walls.
Until they stop, we cannot trust.
Until we can, lies are all that covers us.
We learn from our scars
And they become fears.
We learn to fake and hide our tears.
Because the world only takes,
We hide the pain, the tears, and become fake.

Maybe I’m a fool for thinking anything but the inevitable
Maybe I’ m stupid for hoping for the impossible
Maybe I’ll end up crying myself to sleep for endless nights
Maybe I’ll die before I win this hopeless fight
Maybe I’ll wish for something when I never did before.
Or maybe I’ll all get more then asked for
Maybe a new chance will be reborn from the ashes.
Or maybe I’ll end up giving my heart deeper lashes
A few months have gone and I know for certain now.
Maybe you will see it somehow
Maybe you will never see it.
Maybe you will eventually.
Maybe I’ll never completely understand why things turned out the way they did when I willed for anything but that.
One who is resolved to find a way for them will always find enough opportunities in given time; And if they don’t find them, they will make them.

These are our memories…yours and mines but…I don’t think I’m ready to let them be memories yet

Homecoming, sure doesn’t feel like it. I had a dream about her, it was one of those dreams where everything was perfect and it was foggy. Like a fairy tale, I was so happy…

A dream..? I think…my heart won’t stop pounding!

I saw her today, it’s been so long. I was driving and saw her in the car with her mom passing by. I think she saw me too, she just turned her head quickly though, I got to the store and just sat for while…just thinking.